


To Fly Without Wings

by calixsno23



Category: Monbebe
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dark, Mentioned Monsta X Ensemble, Sad, Suicide Attempt, kpop, sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25870543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calixsno23/pseuds/calixsno23
Summary: After the departure of a member of musical group, Monsta X, Chae Hyungwon hasn't been himself. With the help of his members will he be able to compose himself or will he give in to his internal demons?
Kudos: 5





	To Fly Without Wings

October 2019~

"No, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOO! This is not fair!" Hyungwon screamed at the top of his lungs. The boys had just received news that Wonho would be leaving the group as a whole. Ghosts from his past had returned.

"Hyungwon, please relax. I know this may be hard, but we have no choice." Mr. Kim tried to console Hyungwon. Around the room you could hear sniffles and some even full out sobbing. Mr. Kim made some closing statements and ended the meeting. "That concludes this meeting. Wonho you may see yourself out to finish packing."

The staff left the boys to dwell in their own tears and sadness.

"Guys, pull yourself together, okay? It'll be fine. You guys will be fine. You'll do great without me." Wonho smiled at the rest of the broken group, trying to reassure them that everything would be okay.

"Wonho, it's not okay! You could be jailed if you're found guilty! Do you want to go to a place that houses murderers and rapists?" Minhyuk shouted across the long, mahogany table.

"No, of course not. And like I said, it will be fine. I have an amazing legal team that'll help me get through this," Wonho said as he walked over to give Minhyuk a hug. " We should...um...head to the dorms so I can finish packing."

Everyone wiped their tears as best they could and headed down to the van.

\\\//\\\//

Hyungwon couldn't get out of his head during the car ride. His mind kept playing tricks on him telling him that he would not be fine when Wonho leaves and that he won't make it.

They pulled up to the dorms and everyone filed, still misty-eyed.

While Wonho went to his room to begin packing, the rest of guys couldn't be around him. If they were, they would try to stop him, so they just sat angst-filled, ready to burst at the seams in the living room. They knew there was nothing they could do and that his departure was inevitable.

"Okay, that's everything." Wonho had finally finished packing up four years of memories. Four years of hardships. Four years of spending time with his fellow band mates, his brothers, his family.

"This is wrong. You know it. We know it. The fans know it. Hell, even Starship knows it." Shownu got up from the couch, finally having enough of the dreadful scene that played out in front of him.

"I know, Shownu, I know. I made a mistake and now I have to own up to it and take the consequences. I don't want my mistakes to hinder the group's future. I don't want it to bring you guys down and hold you back. You'll be fine without me. Please, trust me." Wonho wiped Shownu's face and gave him one last hug. "You've been the best leader I could have ever asked for and I thank you so much for that. For the years of guidance, care, and friendship."

"You're welcome."

While everyone was saying their final goodbyes, a knock came at the door.

Kihyun went to open the door and sunk his head down. "Wonho, they're here. It's time."

And with that, Wonho of Monsta X was no more.

\\\//\\\//

January 2020~

Since Wonho's departure, everyone's been slowly recovering. Everyone except Hyungwon.

Nothing excited him anymore, nothing at all. He put on a smile for the group and Monbebes, but deep down that smile was just a lie, a coverup. Hyungwon's mind sometimes drifted to the conversation that he had with himself during Wonho's last car ride to the dorms to pack up his life as a member of Monsta X. And the voices were right. He wasn't fine and he wasn't making it. He was just barely surviving.

Hyungwon had thought about a solution that could cure his sadness countless times. One that he didn't think he would ever resort to but here he was in the group's travel van, turning on the heat in a closed garage. He reclined the seat, turned on his side and closed his eyes.

The other members shouldn't be worrying where he was because they're practicing on their own for the preparation of the upcoming album.

Hyungwon began to inhale the toxic air. He coughed and choked uncontrollably, but stayed put. His eyes started to see black spots and everything around him began to blur.

"This is it. My sadness will be gone. I'll finally be free..."

\\\//\\\//

Hyungwon woke up on top of his newly made bed in the group's dorm. He sat up quickly and looked around, confused.

"Why does heaven look like the dorms?"

Hyungwon finally exited his room and searched the rest of the apartment for any of his bandmates.

As he finally reached the kitchen, he heard a familiar voice.

"There you are, sleepy head," Jooheon greeted his friend with a kind smile.

"Hey..." Hyungwon responded, still out of loop, rubbing his head. "What happened?"

"You fell asleep in the group van with the heat on. You must've forgotten to lift the garage door to let the exhaust out and you kind of passed out, but the doctors said you'd be fine with a proper rest. What were you doing in there anyways?"

"Uh, nothing. Just trying to think of some lyrics for the album, I guess," Hyungwon said. "What are you doing back so soon?"

"Nothing, just came to grab some leftovers for lunch. I'm about to head back out, so do you need anything while I'm here?"

"No. I'm good. I think I'm just going to sleep for the rest of the day."

"Alright, me and everyone else should be back around 11, 12. We'll probably go out for dinner, so don't worry about that."

"Uh...alright. I'll see you then."

Jooheon grabbed his winter coat and left the dorm, leaving Hyungwon by himself with his thoughts.

Hyungwon lied on the carpet in the living room trying to piece together the events that had just taken place.

Why are the guys in heaven? he thought. There's no way they're dead. Or maybe...it's just me. Maybe I'm the dead one just coasting by here on earth. Maybe I haven't made it to heaven just yet. Hyungwon got up from the floor and went to fetch a coat. "If I really am dead then let's have some fun."

Hyungwon left the building and went to flag down a taxi. He ordered the driver to take him to the Starship Entertainment building. Hoping not to run into the guys, he went inside and took an elevator to the roof. Once he exited the elevator shaft, the winter wind came and blew through his unkempt hair. That didn't stop him from having fun since he was dead after all.

The sugar-like snow called his name and he soon began playing in it like a child. He threw snow into the pale blue sky and spun around as gravity brought the snow back down onto his head. He even made two snowmen, one was him and the other, Wonho. He sat in front of them laughing like a kid in a candystore and fell backward into the snow and made a snow angel. As his limbs flailed around to make the shape, he closed his eyes and reminisced on a conversation he and Wonho had back in the summertime.

"Ok, would you rather fly with huge wings that you have to haul around all the time, or be able to fly without wings but it will cost you something precious?" Wonho asks. He and Hyungwon were playing a friendly game of Would You Rather on the Starship roof while they were taking a break from practice.

"Uhhh...why is this so hard? I really don't know what I would choose."

"Well you have to pick one. Those are the rules." Wonho pushed Hyungwon's shoulder and giggled.

"Uhh...I'll go with- " Hyungwon got cut off by Changkyun telling him and Wonho that break was over.

"Tell me your final answer later."

Hyungwon opened his eyes, the flashback fading. "I guess I never got to tell you my final choice." He got up, trying not to mess up his snow angel, and walked over to the ledge. "I choose to fly without wings and lose something precious, Wonho! I should be able to now because I did lose something precious! I lost you, my best friend!" Hyungwon shouted as if he Wonho were in front of him.

"And since I'm dead I should give this flying thing a go." Hyungwon climbed over the guardrail and closed his eyes. "This shouldn't be too hard."

He let go and free fell.

Since Hyungwon chose the second option he thought he would lose Wonho. In reality, though, the most precious thing he lost was not Wonho, but...

...his life.

\\\//\\\//

The blood spilling from his ear turned the snow as red as strawberries. The sound of many ambulance and police cars' wailing sirens could be heard from miles away.

Everyone from the Starship building and pedestrians walking by had seen the sight, including Monsta X.

To say they were heartbroken would be a major understatement. One of their members just fell from a building and died instantly. They couldn't look at his lifeless body because the paramedics cleaned up the horror scene before anyone else's innocent eyes could be stained.

\\\//\\\//

March 2020~

"The brain scans are finished?"

"Yes. I will be right over to explain his entire file in depth."

"Okay, I'll see you then." Shownu ended the call with Dr. Kim and headed back to the living room where the rest of the guys were seated.

"So, any news?" Kihyun asked.

"Yeah. Dr. Kim said that the scans are finished and that he'll be right over to go over them with us."

About an hour later, there was a knock at the door.

"Hello, Mr. Kim glad to have you." Shownu greeted the doctor and led him to the living room. "Please have a seat."

"Thank you. Now, before we get started I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I could never imagine how hard everything must be for you guys at the moment."

"We appreciate it. We couldn't imagine it either, but here we are." MInhyuk smiled at the doctor, thanking him for his condolences.

"No problem. I feel like an explanation might put your minds at ease, so let's begin." He cleared his throat. "Hyungwon didn't just jump off of a building. There obviously must have been something going on inside of his brain that no one knew about. So, with that being said, we could have easily ruled the case a suicide from depression." 

The tension in the room bristled. 

"However, something told me we should examine his brain, scan it to see if there was another reason, not just depression. After we got permission from his family to move forward with the scans, I was honestly blown away at what my team and I discovered. We've never seen anything like it." 

He pulled out the first scan and held it up for the group to see. "On the left here is what a normal, healthy brain looks like, and on the right is what Chae Hyungwon's brain looks like. You can definitely tell there is a difference. I had to call many different doctors to see if they had seen anything like this before and most of them came up empty handed, until I called a top doctor in America, Dr. Robins. He told me that he has seen a case like this before and that it looked very similar to a brain that is affected by Cotard's Syndrome, otherwise known as walking corpse syndrome." He paused, giving everyone time to process, before continuing. 

"It's where the person's brain tricks them into believing they are no longer existing. It is extremely rare, only 200 known cases in the world. Unsurprisingly, one of the causes of Cotard's is depression. Your group has been in the media because of the departure of a member and I think that is what may have triggered Hyungwon. It also states on his medical record that he inhaled a great deal of carbon monoxide but survived. After going over the details, I assume it was a failed suicide attempt that he may have thought was successful. Many people with Cotard's think they can do anything since they're already dead and end up actually killing themselves. It just happened this tragic syndrome affected your friend. Once again, my apologies for your loss."

No one moved, no one said anything.

"I'll...see myself out," Dr. Kim said after a few moments.

After the door closed everyone burst into tears. They had no idea he was depressed after Wonho left. They had no idea it pushed him to want to commit suicide. Jooheon internally beat himself up for paying no mind to finding Hyungwon in the van.

At Wonho's place~

Wonho was a complete and utter mess after hearing the news that his best friend had passed. He spent a lot of time on the roof of his apartment building thinking about all of the good times he had with Hyungwon. His mind even drifted to the time they were on the rooftop of the Starship building during their break playing a game of would you rather. Wonho even remembered the last question he asked, the one he never got an answer to.

"I guess you wanted to fly without wings, huh?"


End file.
